A MAN WALKS INTO A LIBRARY

Joke: A man walks into a library and asks if they have a book on theft. The librarian says, “Not for you. You won’t return it.”

Joke: A man walks into a library and asks if they have any books on coincidence. The librarian says, “As a matter of fact, this one just arrived.”

A man walks into a library and asks if they have any books of librarian jokes. The librarian says, “Are you kidding?”

A man walks into a library and asks if they have any books on positive thinking. The librarian says, “No.” The man says, “No?” The librarian replies, “Well, maybe.”

A man walks into a library and asks if they have any books on how to win friends and influence people. The librarian says, “What a stupid question!”

A man walks into a library and asks if they have any children’s books. The librarian says, “They were, but they’re ours now!”

A man walks into a library and asks if they have any books on librarians. “A few . . . ,” the librarian says, “but the rest are on shelves.”

A drunken man staggers into a library and slurs, “Gimme the usual.” The librarian puts her finger to her lips and says, “Shhhhh.”

A man walks into a library. Before he has a chance to say anything, the librarian says, “No.”
The man says, “What do you mean no? I haven’t asked a question.”
The librarian says, “Every day, sometimes many times a day, you come in here and ask me for some kind of book. Do we have books on this, do we have books on that. Every time you ask, I give you back some witty, punning response. I’m sick of it. The fact is, we have no books. We did away with them because they were obsolete. We now have computers and all the latest electronic devices. We have information on the World Wide Web, which you might have heard of. We do not have any books on anything.”
The man smiles. “I wasn’t going to ask you about books. I don’t care about books anymore.”
“Oh, come on,” the librarian says. “What were you going to ask me?”
“Will you marry me?” the man asks.
“No, I’m sorry,” the librarian says. “You’re not well-read.”

A librarian walks over to a man who has been sitting at a table near her station and staring at her.
“Really, it’s no use,” the librarian says. “There’s nothing for you here.”
“There might be one thing,” the man replies.
“I told you,” the librarian answers, “I’m not interested.”
“I don’t mean you,” the man says, matter-of-factly. “I’ve given up on getting you to marry me.”
“Good!” the librarian says. “Then what do you want?”
The man’s face brightens. “Do you know any websites for people with a thing for librarians?”

“Just think,” the librarian says to the man. “A year ago we didn’t even know each other!”
“It’s amazing,” the man replies. “All this bliss is thanks to my voracious, though now sadly extinguished, interest in books! And, of course, to that other librarian’s complete lack of interest in me. . . .”
“But also her helpfulness!”
“Yes, she certainly had a way with an Internet browser!”
“Darling, I’ve never known such happiness!”
“Nor have I!”
“Thank you, Facebook—er, Meta! Thank you, Twitter—I mean, um . . . ! Thank you—what was that other one called?”
“MySpace. Yes! Thank you, World Wide Web!”
“My love, I can’t wait to meet you someday!”
“TTFN!”
“XOXO!”

A man gets up from his computer. He walks over to a librarian, who turns from her screen to look at him.
“Do you have anything for me?” he asks.
“Two things,” the librarian says.
She stands. She gives him a hug and a kiss.